Christmas comes early as St Nick signs on with Microsoft

We may not be used to him making an appearance before 24th December, but it seems this year Santa Claus is coming to town slightly earlier than expected. 

Speaking at an unusually festive event at Microsoft’s Redmond HQ yesterday, St Nick revealed an unexpected truth: he’s an Office user. “People like to believe that we have this wind-up toyshop, that we somehow produce billions of gifts every year in a working environment modelled on a Swiss clock,” he said. “And in the Middle Ages, that was more or less the case. But with populations rising and Lapland falling under EU health and safety regulations now, we’ve had to modernise, we’ve had to adapt.”

We were treated to a behind the scenes look at Santa’s new workshop which, while still more Facebook than Foxconn, might leave some younger readers shocked. For a start, the elves are using Excel. “It’s really the only way to manage the amount of information we have going through the office,” Santa told us. “We’ve got numbers on every incident – naught or nice – that every child in the world is involved in every day, and keeping up with that before was a nightmare. Now we just fire up Sparklines, and there it is.”

Unsurprisingly for such a heavy user, Santa also spoke out in favour of “life saving” Microsoft Azure. “We were literally going to have to raze Riisitunturi National Park and use the land to build a data centre,” he explained. “Personally, I thought having the largest data centre outside of China would be a point of pride for the people of Lapland, but it turns out they really love that park. There were protests. There was an arson attack on the wrapping paper factory. Elves were lost. So I’m really relieved that we can move to the cloud and put that sordid PR nightmare out of our minds. Who wants some brandy?”

After posing for photos with Microsoft’s shocked staff and their children, Santa revealed that he’d be staring in a new TV spot for the firm, showcasing how their productivity apps help him manage his grotto’s busy, mixed platform environment. “It’s the only way we can afford to buy seven million children an iPad for Christmas this year,” he said as he was ushered out. “The sleigh’s going to be sponsored by Audi. New five cylinder engine, albino reindeer, the works.”

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